Good boys, bad boys :)

A friend of mine explained to me recently (only the latest to give me advice on fixing the fact that I am not married yet), "The problem with you is that you are looking for a good boy. That's never going to work, because you are a good girl; so you need a bad boy to bring balance to the relationship... How boring is it for a good girl and a good boy to be together?" I just laughed and told him I'd had my fill of bad boys, and that I really didn't think it was that boring for a good boy and a good girl to be together.

And I mean it. In theory, I love good boys, but in practice I have only met one good boy who didn't bore me after a few months (truth be told, bad boys also get the sack after a couple of months, usually because I am not comfortable with their standards). Over the years, several good boys (excellent boys, even) have been interested in me. I was flattered, and I wished I could like them back, but I was never able to bring myself to be even remotely interested in or attracted to them... Sometimes I have felt very guilty about it, as though I was somehow being ungrateful (or, at the very least, unreasonable) for not being interested in them and not giving them a chance. But you can't force those things. If there is something missing, all the goodness in the world won't fill the void. No amount of "he has a strong testimony, I am sure he will make a sweet husband and a great father, he will be a righteous priesthood holder", etc, can take the place of butterflies in your heart when you think about being with him... I can't explain what creates a certain connection with certain people, but when it isn't there, it is not honest to pretend that it is or that the relationship is going somewhere.

Right now I am wrestling again with the "what is wrong with this good boy?" situation. There is this one guy who has a heart of gold, is spot on as far as the gospel goes, funny in his own way and thinks the world of me. He hasn't said anything, but it is obvious he has a crush on me. And that breaks my heart, because the truth is, I am not attracted to him AT ALL- I think he is a great guy, but there is just no spark for me. So I hope he never does declare anything, because I would be very sad to have to tell him I am not interested in being more than friends.

So the question is: Where are the good boys who are also fun and interesting?

On Pride....

I LOVE going to church! It is always very uplifting, but once in a while you feel that everything that has been prepared (talks, lessons) are especially relevant to what you are going through and that that Lord is speaking directly to you. Today I had this experience.

For a while now I have been struggling with a question/ decision and I have really not felt I could come to a definite conclusion as to what to do. This past week during my daily scripture study I looked up scriptures relating to personal revelation in hopes of finding or rediscovering a principle that would help me with my quandary. Well, guess what... I didn't find it then, but in sacrament meeting this morning, the topic was prayer and personal revelation! Part of one sister's talk struck me like a bolt of lightning- the fact that often, revelation takes work- we must not only ask, but ask again and again.... And I realized that I had not done enough asking and consulting with the Lord, that I expected that because He knew what I was struggling with, He would give me the answer without my asking directly and specifically and repeatedly. So He had to remind me, through that insightful sister's talk, that He expects me to work a little more for guidance.

Then in Sunday School, we discussed pride. And BOUM! Another flash of revelation: in spite of my efforts to receive answers, I have not allowed the Lord to guide me as He would like to. I have not been willing to set aside my will entirely and humbly seek what His is. I have prayed for guidance, but then gone about things in my own way. I have asked for understanding, but then tried to reason things out with my limited vision without listening to what He had to teach me. I have begged for peace, then refused to let things go and thus shut myself off from the comfort that He would have given me. How proud I have been in refusing to allow myself to be enlightened and strengthened! I need to learn to truly let go and hear what the Lord has to say, whether it is what I want to hear or not.

I am grateful that answers to prayers come in many ways. When we shut our ears to one source, oftentimes the Lord arranges for us to hear His voice through other sources, often through inspired teachers and friends. In other words, while personal revelation most often comes because of our efforts, sometimes it comes in spite of us!

Defining moments

Recently my good friend Sara sent me a talk by a General Authority of the Church on defining moments in our lives and discerning them through the Holy Spirit. It was really a great talk and got me thinking about the defining moments in my own life. I decided to commit them to writing so that I wouldn't forget them. So here are some of them.... (I am sure there are many more important moments in my life than the list below, but for some reason I can only think of those that have happened in the last ten years or so. Must be age! :))

1. My baptism: I didn't realize it at all at the time, but that was a turning point in my life. To be honest, I didn't have that strong a testimony when I was baptized in 1997- it was an act of faith, based on the good feelings I had when I was at church, read the scriptures and was around members. But looking back on that decision, I realize how important it was in my life- it marked the starting point of a beautiful journey, the time when I started becoming a different person.... A much better person whom I like much better. :)

2. Temple marriage or nothing: For about two years after I joined the Church, I dated this guy I met at school. He was really nice and he had a big heart and we had a wonderful, loving relationship, but he was not even remotely interested in learning about the Church. For two years I went along, hoping that eventually he would become interested in the Church. By the time we got to the point where we were talking about marriage, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would be married to someone who did not hold the priesthood, who smoked and drank and cussed, and who wouldn't go to church with me on Sundays. Then, gradually, something happened.... I realized that this was not the life I wanted for myself or my children. I wanted a temple marriage that would last forever. I wanted a strong priesthood holder to preside in my home. I wanted to be able to share my deepest feelings and most sacred experiences with my eternal companion. I wanted my children to be able to look to their father for counsel, blessings and strength. I wanted my family to be grounded in the gospel and my home to be a haven for all of us. And so I decided that, however much I loved my boyfriend, he was not the person with whom I would make my life. I made a commitment that I would get married in the temple or not at all.... And, even though I have not found that "special someone" yet, I do not regret the decision I made many years ago. I am so grateful that my loving Father helped me see, however dimly, that that sacrifice would bless my life and that of generations to come. I have had that testimony reaffirmed to me several times in the years since.

3. Serve the Lord: Since the time I joined the Church, I knew I wanted to serve a mission. My family was taught by two amazing, loving sister missionaries, and seeing them and the service they gave kindled in me a desire to be just like them. I felt that that desire was righteous and pleasing to Heavenly Father as well. A few years later, I was able to fulfill that desire, and I served a mission on Temple Square, in Salt Lake City. Words cannot tell what that time spent in the service of the Lord did for me. I learned the gospel and understood it better. From learning and teaching about the pioneers and the sacrifices they made to be established in the west, I understood what it means to be committed to the Lord. I grew to love the scriptures and to relish the time I spent each day studying them. I acquired a deep love for the temple and the ordinances we perform therein. I was blessed to serve with amazing people- both my mission presidents and their wives, and fellow sister missionaries- who taught me by example what it means to be a disciple of Jesus Christ. In short, during those 18 months, I became truly converted. I would not be half the person I am now had I not had the privilege of serving.

4. Get a Ph.D.: I did not set out to get a doctorate. When I came to the United States for graduate school, my plan was to complete a Master's degree and then look for a job. But then, a few months before I was to graduate and as I started to look for jobs, I felt a very distinct "stupor of thought." After thinking through it, I realized that Heavenly Father wanted me to stay in school. I was scared, but I did it.... and I actually enjoyed the journey! My degree has led me to a different career track that I had planned on initially and, although I have not given up on my dream of working in international development someday, I know I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I need to be doing. It is a good feeling, even though I don't know why exactly I needed to take this track.

Writing these, I realize that these defining moments are, by and large, times when I have chosen to follow commandments of the Lord rather than the ways of the world. How amazing that the Lord cares about little me enough to direct my life!

End of semester!

Wow, I can't believe that fifteen weeks are over, and the end of the fall semester is here! This is the last week of classes. There is one week of finals, and then we are all off for an entire month! I am both looking forward to it and dreading it. But before we discuss the break, let's review the semester.

Overall, I guess it has been a good semester.... Nothing terribly bad has happened, and I am pretty sure my students have all learned something (and hopefully many things!). I have established a very good relationship with many of my students, which has made my job fun. One class, especially, has been an absolute joy to teach. The students quickly became friends, talked and joked with one another and with me, and we all had a blast! One student commented this morning, "Only three more classes..... I am so sad!" That made me feel really good. I should add that we also learned a lot in this class- students came prepared to report and discuss current events, as they were required to do (since this is an international affairs class), asked tons of questions during lectures (which put us waaaaay behind schedule, but hey, they were learning!) and never challenged me or complained about exams. The funny thing is that there is another section of the exact same course where things could not be more different: the students never became good friends with one another, never talked to one another, rarely asked questions and complained about everything (the fact that I don't post my lectures online, the format of the exam, the study guide....) after they did poorly on the midterm. Class dynamics are such an important part of student learning.... So I am trying to figure out how to create a comfortable, relaxed learning environment where all students feel free to express themselves, but where my expectations as a teacher are clear and non-negotiable.

As for the break.... I do not have definite plans yet, only some ideas of what I want to do. First, I am taking off to Atlanta for a few days right after Christmas. I need to get away for a while! It won't really feel like the semester is over unless I get of here. I am excited to visit Atlanta, which I have heard is a pretty fun place. I have been in its airport many, many times, but have never got out. I am fascinated by the Civil War, and there are lots of history connected with that (as well as with the Civil Rights movement) there.

When I get back home, I need to work on the research project that I am currently working on. I need to both finish the research itself and write it up, a tall order for the three weeks that will remain before school starts again. Oh, and I need to write up my syllabi and prepare lessons, too. So it promises to be a busy break! :)

When loved ones suffer....

One of the hardest things for me is to witness someone I love suffer. Whether the suffering be physical, emotional or spiritual, it just breaks my heart not to be able to take away some of the pain. If something happens to one of my little brothers that causes them anguish, it hurts me almost as much as it does them. I remember when Akilesh was about three years old. He fell from the swing and it came back and the seat- a thick piece of wood- hit him in the head, causing a deep gash in his head. We rushed him to the hospital, and I went into the emergency room with him. When the nurse inserted a needle with the anesthetic right into the wound, the poor child screamed. I couldn't take it; I left the room. To this day, I can't bear it when something happens to my babies. Now it's not physical wounds so much as emotional ones that they suffer. This kind is not any easier for me to witness, knowing how much anguish there is in being rejected by those with whom you would like to be friends, for example. The hardest part, for me, is that no matter how much I empathize, I cannot take the pain away and the person, ultimately, has to carry the load himself.

Right now someone whom I love very much is going through a very difficult time. It does not matter that this person in some measure created her own misery. The fact is that now she cannot escape the pain (or rather feels that she cannot). And I am helpless.... Other than offering a sympathetic ear and words of comfort and encouragement, I cannot do much. And that is hard for me.

How I wish everyone knew about and understood correctly the Atonement of Jesus Christ! I have had heartbreaks before. I have sinned and suffered the consequences of my choices. I have had trials that I thought would break me.

In all these situations, I knew that, if I turned to my Savior, I would find peace. And I did. It has never failed. In the case of sin, I have had to suffer the sorrow of knowing I had caused pain to my Father and to my Savior. In the case of trials, relief has sometimes come only after much pleading and patience. But when I truly turned to the Lord, He always gave me the strength to weather the storm, always granted me peace in the midst of the tempest. It is that peace that I would like my loved one to find at this time. Even if I cannot take away her pain, Someone has already borne it, and there is relief available.... If only she would give it a chance.

Campus in all its glory!

Here are some more photos of the campus. It is a little yellow right now because this area has not received as much rain this summer as usual, but it's still very green!

Faculty Row- housing for faculty

The Deanery- Dean's house

Le Bistro and laundromat

Lake

Boathouse

View of dining hall

Library

Academic buildings hiding behind hedge

Dorms

Chapel

Soccer fields

And finally.... here's a photo of my babies asleep on their pillow under my desk right this second (and Vinny snoring, of course!):

Trip to D.C.

This past weekend I drove up to Washington, D.C., with my brothers.

I am glad I don't live in the D.C. area, because traffic is really bad. It started well over an hour outside the capital. At one point we counted five fender-benders in a one-mile stretch!

I don't know if you can really see it in either photo, but there are four or five lanes of traffic practically at a standstill on the other side.

We had a great time. On Friday evening we went to visit my friend Nad, whom I have known since my senior year in high school, and his wife Danielle. Nad's parents and sister were visiting from Mauritius, so I got to see them again, too. We had a really nice visit, and I look forward to many more.


On Saturday morning I went to the temple. Oh, what a beauty! And that feeling on its grounds.... I didn't want to leave.

But I did go pick up the boys and we did some sight-seeing in D.C.

Ryan on National Mall with Capitol building in background

Akilesh had a really good time.

My favorite place was the WWII memorial, which wasn't there the last time I visited D.C.

An up-close view of the Capitol.